Posts Tagged ‘ Halo Reach ’

I Suck at Halo

Now not to look like a hypocrite, but even though I said I was moving everything related to gaming to Gaming the System, I thought that perhaps I need to promote the brother blog a bit more than it has. This is mostly for those who still visit my blog wondering where the Halo content went. 

“I suck!!!” has probably been said more times then I can successfully count, and with more than 10 years of experience on my belt, losing was a pathetic  event to witness. The frustration that followed was unnerving, and I couldn’t resist throwing my bedding into the air as if I was ripping the flesh off of some unfortunate individual, yelling things that would make the Chinese blush, harming myself via the controller (which has left weird, four-circle marks on my head, legs, and chest–yes, chest), and biting my pillow.

Then when I lose…
funny gifs


 The mystery surrounding why I suck so badly at matchmaking is trying to figure out why we have an appendix. Or why men have nipples. Honestly I began playing online about 3 months ago under the assumption that It would be similar to playing campaign and never again did I think anything like that again. I was so bad I was ready to implode from my suckage and if God willing I could create my own Fails of the Week parody in a day. Wait, let me rephrase that: *clears throat* I still suck! Every match–instead of counting kills–I count deaths; death sprees, double deaths, triple deaths, deathamonjarros, death frenzies, and basically any other medal that is part to my demise.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been given plenty of tips from good friends who want to see me get better (for their own benefit and of the team) to avoid such depression. Regardless of how much I have been taught it seems that I still remain the weakest link. I used to get 1-3 kills on a good day, but now I get 10-20 on most. (Thanks to the contributions guys. Now, here’s a cookie.) So aside from my poisonous loser aura, I found out some things that might actually get my K/D ratio higher than .03:

  1. Play on a smaller screen– Who would have thought that perhaps getting the biggest, baddest flat screen was not the best decision for matchmaking (or for your bank account?) Apparently not me.
  2. Don’t run down the middle of the flippin’ hallways– For the love of Robin Hood and the merry men, when someone is trying to snipe down the horde of enemies coming your way, photobombing the scope view isn’t the most kodak worthy moment when you get betrayed. Crouching is the way to go.
  3. Watch the radar– How much of an idiot do you have to be to forget that it actually has some importance in the game. Not paying attention to it is like wearing an Elmo costume with a sign that says “I want someone to kick my ass”.
  4. Movement is key– If you want to play sitting ducks during a firefight, you’re paying the wrong flippin’ game.
  5. Learn you’re surroundings– You don’t have to major in geology, just take time to learn the maps you play on for the best results for you, your team, and your sanity.
  6. Take a chance– If anyone knew what it takes to get your foot in the door of a possible significant other’s life, you would know that any chance could be the last; same principle can be applied at the art of killing your friends and fellow relatives in the virtual realm of Halo.
  7. Stop spamming– No spamming the trigger, no spamming grenades, no spamming armor abilities, no spamming is good. Even spam in a can is bad, so don’t spam! Think, strategies, and remember that the turtle wins the race. (Figuratively.)

Well, that’s all I have for now. Perhaps one day I will look back on this post and realize that not only did I really, really suck, but that I only needed to apply simple strategies in order to become better. So, if I may ask: what helped you?

Unhinged Polygons: Zombie Repellant

“Don’t get into the Warthog Jimmy.” I told my friend, warning him of the possible snipers in the area. The battlefield was quiet and a lone Rocket-hog sat in the middle of it. It was suspicious, usually it was fought for and Jimmy was known for getting into it first.
“Don’t worry Tony, I’ll just get it really quick and drive off before anyone can hit me.” He then casually strutted out of the cave and toward the Warthog, jumped in, and was instantly plucked out of gameplay from a head-shot.

This is one of the many scenarios I face during the frequent Halo Parties I attend. I was obliged to be invited to another in the same week from a different group of friends, two in one week. I was beginning to think that life couldn’t get any better than this. Mountains of Pizza boxes and Dr. Pepper cans became the latest pieces of furniture and the headsets were starting to bend our ears in a shape any Trekkie would be proud of.

The First one was composed of the friends with whom I work with; Jimmy, Ken (Kenny), and Mark. The invitation was obvious after an argument erupted after I said that I could get the Killimanjaro medal, Mark was skeptical and challenged me to a Slayer match. I came as soon as I could to his place, arriving when he least expected it. The first match was an Infection and I was one of the defending players. Since it was on ONI Sword base a good spot could be found in various places and prepared myself by procuring a shotgun before the herd of zombies came running towards me. It took seconds for the rampage to begin.

One zombie.
Two zombie. Double Kill.
Three zombie. Triple Kill.
Four and Five zombie. Zombie Killing Spree.

Mark was now getting concerned.

Six zombie. Killtrocity.
Seven. Killimonjaro.

Mark’s face was then breaking into a sweat.

Eat my medals Mark!

Eight. Killtastrophe.
Nine. Killpocalypse.
Ten. Hell’s Janitor.

Mark threw his fist into his lap in defeat.
A few seconds later a voice shouted “Hell’s Jerome!” and the entire room around me went silent. It was only when the match ended that I could see everyone’s face in utter amazement and shock. Mark shook his head then my hand, and said “Good one Marn, didn’t think you could do it.” but what he was really saying was “I will now eat my shoe.”.
It was out of luck, but I knew I could do it. For the rest of the night I was treated like Major Nelson…well, almost I suppose.

Next time you want to challenge me remember this, Don’t Mess with The Marnray.