Posts Tagged ‘ relationships ’

30 Day Challenge: Day 11


An uneasy topic to discuss, primarily because my viewpoint has been skewed  over the past years. They say family is forever which I agree on, but I have come to conclude your family is whatever you want it to be whether it be friends or your creepy collection of troll dolls. Family is what you make of it, plain and simple. We should strive to keep that family in our lives regardless of what they do, say, or think towards you because they will always be there for you in times of need; mine has and i’m eternally grateful for what they have done for me.

My sister is the closest thing I have to a twin, shes always around and hanging out with her is the craziest.
My brothers are never in sight as I have moved away from them, but the time I have spent with them are always cherished memories.
My father is stern, cold, hard-headed, and somewhat airy, but theres one thing that he will always do best. Love me.
My mother is lost in translation, nowhere to be found or heard, instead replaced by stepmothers after another.
My extended family are the ones I don’t know very well at all, I rarely talk to them and family reunions are awkward at most. Nothing much I can do, but I hope that I can come to know them better down the line.

30 Day Challenge: Day 5

It comes to Day Five and the next subject happens to be to write Things I Would Say to an Ex.

I never had an ex-girlfriend. Something I’m particularly proud of.  Anyway, I decided that should use the subject as if I happened to exist in an alternate dimension.

I would say thank you. For whatever reason we broke up or left each other, you made me realize you simply were not the one who I was destined to be with my entire life. I would’ve enjoyed it, but that would mean depriving someone truly in need and deserving of my love. We had a great time together and I have no regrets for anything we did, said, or wished for. The memories that we share will remind me of how much worth I have to someone and while it may be bitter at first to smile at them, when I do marry the one, a smile of gratefulness will be seen. Grateful that because of our choices, it made us into the people we were supposed to be, to find the one God made for us. Thank you.

The Termination Of Procrastination

Lately my mind has been reeling with the events that have taken over my life and the novel which has…well, taken a strange turn. Writing has taken a comfy spot in my daily schedule along with my eventual move to Oregon, which has left me busy with days of planning, working for extra cash, but blogging unfortunately–has not. I’ve bored myself to start something that will hopefully reignite my creativity and motivation to finish what I started long ago.


30 Day Challenge

The WordPress 30 Day Challenge!

For an entire month I shall post a post a day and (heaven willing) in succession. Some of the items on the list are obviously meant for girls (and it’s crossed my mind occasionally that this is only meant for girls), but who says I can’t mix it up. After all, it’s the dedication to write that counts regardless of the questions presented.

To start, I’ll list off the Five Ways to Win My Heart.

  1. Say That I’ll be Your Only– There’s nothing quite like dedication in relationships, I see it to be a true sign of love as I would never cheat on any girl and I expect them to do the same for me. I don’t see it as constraining either; if you want to be with me, then say it. If you don’t, then you’re wasting my time. It seems harsh, but I never look to be someone’s first, only their last.
  2. Show Me You’re Not Afraid to Love Me– I agree that PDA’s are the one of the best ways to show that you’re comfortable being with me. Kissing in a busy park, holding my hand across the restaurant table, giving complements in a crowded subway; all of these and more will acknowledge that you love me unconditionally and want to show that to the world.
  3. Have a Strong Ambition– If you have a dream to become anything great and have the determination to achieve it that shows me that you have a vision of your life ahead, something that I see as attractive.  Knowing that if we have a life together, we can help each other in sharing that outcome.
  4.  Mean Every Good Thing You Say to Me– Be honest. That’s as straightforward as I can get, even if you are too honest, just don’t lie. If you say that you love me, find that it comes from your heart and not a way to get into my pants or use me for any reason.
  5. Make Sacrifices– I’m not asking for the world, but only for small compensations that let me know that you really want me and are worth a spot in my life.

The list could go on further, but I figured these are the most important when it comes to this touchy of a subject. So that’s that for day one, let’s see what happens for day two.

Song Analyisis 101

Breaking Benjamin has to be one of my favorite bands of all time; not only do they preform wonderfully, a lot of my inspiration has some direct origin to their songs. They aren’t the only ones who have inspired me with ideas, among those are Fall Out Boy, Hoobastank, Deadmau5, and Shinedown. When I hear them I feel a strong energy and I have found myself drawing that energy to form images that move along with the song, which has helped shape the story as it is now.
When you listen to a song and you get a fuzzy feeling in your head, followed by goosebumps this the discovery of energy. It’s an odd ability and I’m not even sure how many people that exist has had this kind of circumstance come about them.
This particular song however is one of the few that can’t mesh into my main story, nothing I have made is like what I feel from the song. An entirely different story has emerged, a cross into a boundary that usually doesn’t happen naturally.
Here’s the lyrics to “Forget it”.

“It’s a crime you let it happen to me
Never-mind, I’ll let it happen to you
Out of mind, forget it there’s nothing to lose
But my mind and all the things I wanted

Every time I get it I throw it away
It’s a sign, I get it, I wanna stay
By the time I lose it I’m not afraid
I’m alive but I can Surely fake it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You’re the part of me that I don’t wanna see

Forget it

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

There’s a place I see you follow me
Just a taste of all that might come to be
I’m alone but holding breath you can breathe
To question every answer counted

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

Forget it

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

It’s a crime you let it happen to me
Out of mind, I love it, easy to please
Never-mind, forget it, just memories
On a page inside a spiral notebook

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way
I can live forever here

Forget it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You’re a part of me that I don’t wanna see

I can live forever here”

What I saw was a man who had fallen in love with a girl, their bond unbreakable. One day she dies and he’s trying to recover from grief. With “It’s a crime you let it happen to me. Never-mind, I’ll let it happen to you .Out of mind, forget it there’s nothing to lose, But my mind and all the things I wanted” is the memory of how they made a promise not to let each other go, but even though he wanted to be with her forever it’s not possible now. To help with his distress he imagines that she’s still alive; he’s fully aware that she is dead and that he’s living a fantasy, but he likes it and wants it to be that way forever. When his imagination becomes more and more vivid it becomes a constant struggle in wanting to forget her and wanting not to lose her again.

So, what do you think–Crazy, brilliant, or both?

Forever (Ab)alone

There’s one thing that I never really talk about in any kind of blog post or even in my journals and that would have to be complicated nature of my so called “love life”. I admit it may have to do with the (somewhat depressing) fact that I have never had a girlfriend or some other underlying reason. So why have I decided to speak on the matter all of a sudden–and in all places here? I’ve been reading others blogs about dating and how-to’s on the laws of attraction, it made me reminisce (that may not be the proper word) about my past failures and embarrassments, so I figured I should emerge from my shell and mysterious demeanor to shed some light on my history.

    • First Love- This has been something I have always regretted speaking about, but here goes nothing. I was in Oklahoma City where I was attending school, enjoying my first grade year. I can’t remember exactly when I met her, but all I do remember was the fact that I had the greatest crush from the very beginning. Many times would pass where I would talk to her on the playground in the attempt to…*clears throat* ask her out. AT AGE 6! I was so steadfast on wanting to be with the girl I would give her flowers I picked up from around the jungle gym close to every chance I was available to. (I have details–scary, I know.) That also brings me to another personage I remember fondly, the name I called her by was “The Dead Bunny”, given of the fact her two front teeth at the time believed could easily double as a ping-pong paddle. She would try to trump my efforts in winning her over by kicking me off of the swings or throwing sand at me, and if I ever met her again I imagine how sweet revenge would taste. (Like sand perhaps? *evil laugh*)
      In added weirdness I will never forget my first crush’s name: Lauren Walker. (If you happen to be out there or somehow reading this post, I apologize for freaking you out.)
    • Second Love– Once again in Oklahoma, but this time in a small town named Thomas is where I met another girl through the means of high adrenaline and head smashing. Football.
      I was a Defensive End, a spot reserved for the smallest, but fastest players in the formation and after seeing my “game” (*wink*) she asked my step-mother if I was coming to the dance that night. Enthusiastic, I met her immediately and learned that she was a cheerleader. At that point on and through the upcoming years I applauded my efforts to have a cheerleader with the belief that I was attractive, however the spark soon faded and disappeared without a trace of it’s origin. It was all due to my clueless experience with girls and the lack of knowledge required to manage any kind of a romantic relationship. I was 14 at the time and to this day I have no idea what I was doing, my feelings for her remained through 7th and 8th grade until it was time to say bye and move on to the next location. (My family moved a lot.)
      I still remember her name, but out of respect I’ll leave that out.
    • Third Love- By around this time I have lost hope and figure that if I stop moving then I would think (and plan and read and research and….) about having a serious relationship with a girl. I was sixteen and ready for my Sophomore year at Forsyth High School in Missouri. In high school if you had a girlfriend you were awesome, you were popular in someway or another and I wanted that (or so it seemed). It began in Spanish class and I happened to land a spot a few spaces from a girl named Gabby. I didn’t think much about it so I continued through school being that wall flower of a fellow, but as the days when on I started paying more attention to her and I realized that I might be getting myself into something. Farther in the year I was getting recognition for my silent, mysterious behavior and that got people talking and when the news reached Gabby she too was all too curious. We talked–not as much as I would liked to (okay, loved to) but we talked nonetheless. As my popularity grew new nicknames emerged for easy identification and before I could blink everyone knew me as Mclovin’–yes, that Mclovin’. Gabby on the other hand had other plans, continuing to call me “Antonio”; by then I was so whipped I daydreamed about her for months, even after the period of my next move…
    • Fourth Love– After moving back to Oklahoma then coming back to Missouri is when it seems that I can safely deploy my landing gear, finding a comfy residence in the city of Joplin. I suffer through many fights and hours of contemplation to convince myself to join the LDS church again (in which I will not disclose the reason of my original departure), the decision to do so presented itself in an awkward time and I was to join a group of members close to around my age to sing to homeless people. I think nothing much about it as usual, in procrastination I am firm to the belief that every girl in the group would see me as a loser and avoid me at all costs. We sing a few songs and the leader of the activity announces that a solo would be preformed, my heart skips a beat as the girl in question walks out from behind me and proceeds to begin “Silent Night”.
      As many men would testify once you begin forming a crush with a particular person you start sweating, your tongue goes numb, and your eyesight gets cloudy.
      Before the night ends we meet back up at the church building and I take my chance to become acquainted with her, complementing on her solo saying “You did good-the singing.” She smiled with a thanks and I leave the building with the immediate plans to bash my head against the wall. My sister–the lovely sibling she is–tells me that shes taken. Months pass and I imagine what it would be like to be with her, around this time I was extremely infatuated and her name appears everywhere I turn my head, wishing that I could have my chance.
      As if a genie was hiding around the corner the next Sunday that came she approached me and agreed that we should hang out. I couldn’t believe what had happened and after exchanging numbers, texting back and forth, and learning more about each other things led to her eventual break-up and I was on my way to my very first date, but after a few months she moved on and found someone else. I thought she was amazing and I still think that she is.

My “love life” has been a bumpy road and my proverbial tires are in need of a change. It may be my shyness or a lack of confidence that creates the outcomes I try to avoid; could it be from being too nice or not being the type of guy girls want? I tell many I would never cheat on a girl and would rather pluck my eyes out before doing so, because I imagine a broken heart to be as painful.

I don’t blame her for what happened one single bit and remain grateful to have that short time with her or any girl for that matter, but even after many rejections, disappointments, and drops into the Friend Zone I will not give up and continue to take every experience as a lesson. Hopefully I will one day meet the girl I am destined to marry–fingers crossed.