Posts Tagged ‘ Humor ’

The Perfect Job for a Caveman is…

A writer.

Caveman comic *Google images

And that’s the problem; I’m no troglodyte. Instead I work a lot, trying to take care of myself and Mr. Fluffy (My imaginary cat friend who only exists in the very depths of my lonely soul). Rent is high (Too damn high!) and it seems like selling my liver might be the only aperture into middle class comfort. My schedule is horrendous, limiting the amount I write, maintaining this dilapidated blog, play TOR (In which I have become homesick after leaving Coruscant), and to socialize in my niche of half-baked friends.

11 am– I get up and “dress for success”.
12-1 pm– My usual biking adventure through 107 degree weather.
2 pm– Work
3 pm– Work
4 pm– Work
5 pm– Work
6 pm– Lunch!
6:30 pm– Back to work
7 pm– Work
8 pm– Work
9 pm– Work
10 pm– Work
10:30 pm– When the heavens sing and I make my way back to my rest chamber.
11 pm– I get a shower while responding back to the flooding of late texts
12 am – 3 am– After procuring a case of writers block, I stare at a blank page of nothingness, falling asleep to await the rinse-and-repeat process of the next day.

Perhaps a few nights of self-induced insomnia could allow me to finish the book that I am writing in the alloted time my procrastination is off shift.

The Rise of the Titans will surely be published soon…only delayed for another eight years hopefully.

Things You Will Never Hear Me Say

I’m a pretty outgoing person and I enjoy the adventure life becomes; hell, I’d streak in the snow for a Klondike, but regardless of my spontaneousness there are some things that will never escape from my pie-hole.

“What a pretty cobra; lets pet it!”

“I don’t mind if my food takes another thirty minutes.”

“Sarah Jessica Parker is so hot.”

“I’ll try the cow tongue.”

“Time to go on a diet.”

“Bungie jumping is great!”

“Spy Kids was an awesome movie?”

“You’re going to the Justin Beiber concert too?”

“I’m in love with Twilight/Twilight rocks!”

“What’s a heat-sink?”

“Playstation FTW!”

“I loved school.”

“ET is so adorable.”

“Can I get extra mushrooms?”

“My card declined? No biggie.”

“That was totally tubular.”

“Radical man!”

“Nicky Minaj is my hero.”

“Who’s J.J. Abrams?”

“My writing is awesome.”

“Electric fence? Good place to pee.”

“I’m going to look down the barrel.”

“Gurochan has some cool stuff.”

“Not pizza again…”

“Halo is for losers.”

“Kissing? Ewwwwwwww.”

The Insanity of Insanity

I am usually one who would rather prefer to sit at home cuddling up with a significant other while watching a good movie. Working out or exercise is something I havent done since the 7th grade, training on the grass covered gridiron, but after years of only biking frequently a few friends and I have decided to try the workout program known infamously as Insanity.

The order from Amazon was only the start to what we were to endure. The process not only required a large space for the exercises, but a whole fridge makeover. A certain diet to follow is what was suggested for the best results, forcing me to buy healthy stuff. Like fruits. And salad.

I knew from that on that I would have to sacrifice the sweet taste of soda and candy for the duration of the two months it would take to finish the Insanity program. 3 days later the DVD’s arrived and it was time to begin the extraneous activity. The four of us were ready to take it by the horns, participating in the fitness test as a warm up.

…That’s when we knew that the title lived up to it’s infamy.

We broke down in front of each other (not to mention girls too) and felt like our calves had exploded, our stomach churned with protein shakes ready to blow like Krakatoa, blood swelled in our pulsating brains, and sweat could be collected to fill a kiddy pool.

And we were only 13 minutes in.

For the first day update I have to say that it is not for the faint of heart. The first week will be spent redoing the fitness test till the immunity has built up to the point where we can start the actual exercises. May the force be with us all…

50th Post!

50 looks like a small number in the blogging world, especially those who write daily and have the audacity to post whatever it may be that was keyed onto the screen, terrible or not. For me however I post whenever I am inspired or excited (which as you can tell only happens 10% of the time each month). To reflect on the noble history of Better With a Pen, lets take a look into the past in memorium of the forgotten posts.

  1. New Beginnings– The first ever post I dared to post.
  2. Hypocricy at it’s Finest– When I figured I should just write for the hell of it.
  3. The Shoe to Fill– The best post of the entire history of the blog: 2,532 views.
  4. May Cause Belief in Humanity to Melt Away– The woes of a Tech support agent.
  5. Time for Virtual Party Hats– The first party.
  6. A Nerd and His Bike– Me, making the world aware that I do not have a licence.
  7. Just Another Maniacal “Moon” Day– How I hate Mondays and the entity who enjoys making us miserable.
  8. Steamship Billy– My first ever short-story that I successfully completed.
  9. My Tin Receptacle Agenda– Not your average bucket list.
  10. I Watched: The Avengers– I couldn’t mis the chance to write about the biggest movie of 2012.
  11. How to Pick Your Nose in Public– Tips for those who hate to wait.

I remember when I first wrote my first post, holding onto the assumption that it would take the same form as my last blog, but the first like changed my view entirely. Out of all of the posts, which one is your favorite?

Leave your responses in the comment section below. *In Ray William Johnson voice*

I Suck at Halo

Now not to look like a hypocrite, but even though I said I was moving everything related to gaming to Gaming the System, I thought that perhaps I need to promote the brother blog a bit more than it has. This is mostly for those who still visit my blog wondering where the Halo content went. 

“I suck!!!” has probably been said more times then I can successfully count, and with more than 10 years of experience on my belt, losing was a pathetic  event to witness. The frustration that followed was unnerving, and I couldn’t resist throwing my bedding into the air as if I was ripping the flesh off of some unfortunate individual, yelling things that would make the Chinese blush, harming myself via the controller (which has left weird, four-circle marks on my head, legs, and chest–yes, chest), and biting my pillow.

Then when I lose…
funny gifs

Yeah.

 The mystery surrounding why I suck so badly at matchmaking is trying to figure out why we have an appendix. Or why men have nipples. Honestly I began playing online about 3 months ago under the assumption that It would be similar to playing campaign and never again did I think anything like that again. I was so bad I was ready to implode from my suckage and if God willing I could create my own Fails of the Week parody in a day. Wait, let me rephrase that: *clears throat* I still suck! Every match–instead of counting kills–I count deaths; death sprees, double deaths, triple deaths, deathamonjarros, death frenzies, and basically any other medal that is part to my demise.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been given plenty of tips from good friends who want to see me get better (for their own benefit and of the team) to avoid such depression. Regardless of how much I have been taught it seems that I still remain the weakest link. I used to get 1-3 kills on a good day, but now I get 10-20 on most. (Thanks to the contributions guys. Now, here’s a cookie.) So aside from my poisonous loser aura, I found out some things that might actually get my K/D ratio higher than .03:

  1. Play on a smaller screen– Who would have thought that perhaps getting the biggest, baddest flat screen was not the best decision for matchmaking (or for your bank account?) Apparently not me.
  2. Don’t run down the middle of the flippin’ hallways– For the love of Robin Hood and the merry men, when someone is trying to snipe down the horde of enemies coming your way, photobombing the scope view isn’t the most kodak worthy moment when you get betrayed. Crouching is the way to go.
  3. Watch the radar– How much of an idiot do you have to be to forget that it actually has some importance in the game. Not paying attention to it is like wearing an Elmo costume with a sign that says “I want someone to kick my ass”.
  4. Movement is key– If you want to play sitting ducks during a firefight, you’re paying the wrong flippin’ game.
  5. Learn you’re surroundings– You don’t have to major in geology, just take time to learn the maps you play on for the best results for you, your team, and your sanity.
  6. Take a chance– If anyone knew what it takes to get your foot in the door of a possible significant other’s life, you would know that any chance could be the last; same principle can be applied at the art of killing your friends and fellow relatives in the virtual realm of Halo.
  7. Stop spamming– No spamming the trigger, no spamming grenades, no spamming armor abilities, no spamming is good. Even spam in a can is bad, so don’t spam! Think, strategies, and remember that the turtle wins the race. (Figuratively.)

Well, that’s all I have for now. Perhaps one day I will look back on this post and realize that not only did I really, really suck, but that I only needed to apply simple strategies in order to become better. So, if I may ask: what helped you?