Posts Tagged ‘ Humor ’

When You Don’t Know What To Write…This Is What It Looks Like

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Indeed

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Things You Should Never Do In A Foreign Country (Or Oregon)

Preparing for an out-of-state trip has my insides fluttering in excitement…and fear. A large percentage of the fear originates from the doubt of my survival in unknown territory (I’ve seen Taken folks.), but I happen to be wearing my big boy pants.  Before I begin my conceded self-proclamation of awesomeness, I’ve decided that I should prepare myself for the experience that lies ahead, including what I say, wear, and act around an alien culture.
So for those who are ready to travel around the world, I implore you to study this handy guide that will not only help preserve your mortality, but make the trip the most memorable to remember.

  1. The first and last experience of your trip will be the airport engagement. Baggage check and ticket verification will be the more important events that will take place, among those will also be the threat detection and prevention. We have all been through this, a person clad in authoritative uniform waves a magic stick around your body and you have no choice to follow through and remove each and every metal object. (Keep in mind, some airports revert to extreme measures and may require you to remove zippers, buttons, and pins which may not come off of said clothing. You get the rest.)
    Another thing is the baggage check where you have the chance to leave behind certain items one could have a hard time living without. (Hairdryer, straightening iron, hair spray …don’t shake your head…) Officers may come across as hostile upon discovering these items at first, but don’t fret; don’t speak of any bomb or say “It’s not like im a genocidal terrorist here!”, that may just ruin your vacation before you can even set foot on the plane.
  2. Next in the schedule is the plane ride. After watching multiple movies spectating in-air disasters, it might become uncomfortable after a short while, regardless of the previous times you’ve sat in a jumbo jet because somewhere in the depths of your brain, a voice will be chanting “You’re going to die, you’re going to die…“. The moment is crucial for the duration of the ride that you retain composure and not panic, even if a gentleman with a full beard wearing a turban across the row is looking at the cabin more attentively than usual. Do not jump to conclusions and yell the “T”-word when in reality he was only waiting to expel the contents of his bladder.
  3. Third in line is the hotel/motel/straw hut check-in. In foreign countries where English is as unspoken as Patwin, it may be harder to get directions to the temporary place of residency that seemed to disappear off the face of your map. To encounter a local and attempt to ask where you are forces you to mimic their language, in which you may be seen as a complete idiot or retard (or whatever insult best describes the situation). For prevention always take time to learn the basics of the language where you will be traveling in, even if it means investing in Rosetta Stone…or the strange neighbor you’ve neglected to interact with.
    Also, be extremely cautious when telling others where you’re going, they could very well be pirates or disgruntled employees who are desperate for your out-of-country riches.
  4. Sightseeing can be fun. Sightseeing can be dangerous. Who would want to face the latter? Not me, therefore when trekking to see the rare sites make sure they are legally accessible. Spending the night at a Écouter is not the most scrapbook worthy moment, so don’t try to break into sites with chains, barbwire, electrically charged fences, trap doors, scorpions, or men in fuzzy black hats that are preventing further entry. Also don’t forget that some sites can also be owned privately. Theres nothing more embarrassing than being caught taking a photo of an ancient shrine that is actually someone’s front lawn ornament.
  5. Last, but certainly not least is the food. For the love of Heimdall and the rainbow bridge, DO NOT REJECT FOOD EXTERNALLY OR INTERNALLY IN A DISTASTEFUL MANNER. In multiple cultures the kitchen can be a sanctum and the meals prepared there are close to divine. Always remember that if you do not like something, display a cheerful smile, carefully turn to hide from direct eye contact, and dispel the substance from the mouth without a groan, choke, or gag then continue to thank the cook and bestow blessings upon their children.

These might just have changed not only your travels, but changed the history of tourism itself. Keep these in a handy little note tucked firmly between the fold of a wallet, or even tattooed on your arm for easy access; regardless of how you remember them, always take the fate of your trip with a grain of salt. Things will happen unexpectedly even with extreme preparation and planning.
Who knows, you might just see yourself in one of those airplane disaster movies…

Internet Friends: Chapter One

The faint sound of multiple clicks echoed throughout the small enclosed room, lit only by the screen of a computer monitor. The pair of eyes from a young man followed every movement that was displayed and hardly took the time to attentively notice his surroundings, which housed a strange figure lurking in the darkness. It only took a few minutes to find what the young man was searching for on the internet, grabbing a notebook and jotted down a few words. His head moved back and forth while copying every character on the screen as the dark figure moved close and closer towards the distracted boy.
The characters began to form a large paragraph and then a full page in a short timeframe; it was to his knowledge that the information he was in the process of recording was urgent and severely confidential, something that others would kill to know.
“I found it. Now everyone will know the truth behind this world.” The boy said enthusiastically. Suddenly the dark figure slammed the boy’s head against the table, leaving an imprint of a grid across his face. The boy was momentarily discombobulated, but as soon as his awareness emerged the figure slammed his head again. The boy swung his arm, trying to grab a hold of whoever it was then pushed his chair back. The figure fell backwards which gave the boy enough time to snatch the notebook and run out of the room.

“The boy is out! the boy is out!” The figure yelled into an in-ear receiver. He ran toward the escapee while managing to hurdle over several items that were thrown in the way. The boy opened the door and hid into the large bush that surrounded the side of the building, hoping that the perpetrators would lose him. The figure that exited the building turned into a man in a black bodysuit and greyish armor that was moulded to fit his form. He surveyed the surroundings, waiting for any movement that could identify the target’s location.

“The notebook Mr. Lancing, is vital to the survival of not only your life, but the rest of humanity’s.” Said the man as he circled the front lawn. “You know now, you know of the secret, but some secrets are meant to be kept from the knowledge of petty beings such as you. Any alteration in this world can potentially change everything, for what you know on the other hand, can destroy everyone.”
The boy tried the hardest to keep from giving himself away, holding his breath every time the man approached, but regardless of his determination, he let the notebook slip from his arm. The man paused and turned around to see it’s blue cover on the ground.
“Hmmm…so Mr. Lancing, you decided that you should give up. Good choice.”
The boy shot from the bush and snatched the notebook, running into the alley behind a string of houses.
“Gatherer five-one-five-two, you have clearance to delete.” The man said into the earpiece.
The order was carried out instantly and as the boy disappeared from the perpetrators, he vanished into nothing. Notebook and all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The popping sound of a received notification prompted AJ to pull his phone from his front pocket. Friends on the social network decided it would be entertaining to begin a rant on how the political standing of the running candidates for president was unfair and an economic trap for the population. He ignored and brought his attention back to his girlfriend.
“It’s Frank and Gene again, isn’t it?”
“Don’t worry about it Kathy. It keeps my profile alive.” AJ chuckled.
“I can hack into their profiles, potentially prevent anymore activity, and shut them up for as long as needed.”
AJ threw a concerned look at her. “No. That wont be necessary honey. ”
Kathy was the technical witch who spent her time with computers while being a girly girl at the same time. She had the nerdiness that only emerged in the most unpredictable moments, surprising anyone on the room who believed her to be whatever came to mind from her appearance. AJ on the other hand was a slight degree off of a jock, but had the caring love for Kathy that a typical stereotype would lack; sports, martial arts, and partying were a part of his repertoire. Kathy chose nine times out of ten to stay indoors and watch intellectually stimulating movies and fix file systems for operating platforms. Regardless she still enjoyed hanging out with friends and matching to AJ’s adventurous antics.

“We should do something today. Anything that we havent done before? AJ said with a curious mind.
Kathy thought for a second and responded rather cautiously. “Well, there is one…”
“Like?”
“We could visit that weird house down the block. I was told it’s vacant and that it holds the spirit of a madman. Perfect opportunity to test that EMF reader.” Kathy said with a gleaming smile.
AJ couldn’t resist and kissed her multiple times. “To the haunted house it is.”

The building reminded AJ of the cliché houses used in horror shows and books with the overgrown vines scaling the side of the walls, dusty windows that acted as drawing palets for smiley faces and clean me messages, peeling paint, and the slightly opened door that told countless stories of people who ran out in fear of what was manifested before them.
“Are you sure this is safe hun?”
Kathy nodded naively. “I don’t see why it wouldn’t. You seem scared.” She teased.
“Scared? No…just…”
“Uh-huh.” Kathy laughed.
The House *Google images
The two walked in slowly, cautiously navigating in prevention from injury and other hazards. The place reeked of rotting wood and for all they knew perhaps mold. Kathy activated the EMF reader and flipped two antennas from it’s side. The beeping of the device showed signs of an immediate presence, forcing the couple to glance at each other in surprise and continued to venture on with a heightened sence of excitement. It was only a few minutes into the investigation that the short pauses of beeping turned into long stretches of irritating sound, the temperature gauge read a chilling 69 degrees and the hair on their bodies stood up like trees.
“So much activity. This is amazing.” Kathy said enthusiastically.
“Oh yeah. Way too much activity.” AJ said with a shaky voice. He felt as if he was succumbing to the intimidation of what ever entity was present, he almost wanted to leave, but there were things that made him want to venture on and explore deeper. They reached what they guessed to be the living room, an area with furniture covered in white sheets. The curtains let rays of sunlight through the multiple holes made by moths and other pests, it landed on broken pictures of an old man in a top hat. Others were of a family of seven, with the same man prominently shown in each.
“That must be the guy that they say died here.” AJ reconfimed.
“Wasn’t it…Leeroy?” Kathy asked, trying her best to recollect the old stories of the place.
“The best way to figure it out is to look in that bookshelf. Maybe there’s something in there.”
A few more steps into the depths of the room uncovered a weak spot in the foundation, sending Kathy into the darkness of the basement. AJ screamed and launched himself forward to catch her, but it only collapsed the floor wider allowing him to fall on top of the soft wood and his girlfriend. They grunted in pain as they sat up, looking above in a bewildered manner.

“What the hell?” Kathy said.
“Damn that hurt.”
Kathy slapped AJ in the arm in response to the curse word. He had a extreme habit of practicing the language which she hated more than anything.
“Oww. Yikes, as if falling ten feet wasn’t enough.”
“I don’t like that. I don’t like this either, but I’d rather be stuck down here.”
The gaping hole that seemed like the new sky taunted the two maliciously. “We need to figure out how to get back up there, it’s pitch black in here.” AJ said as he lit the screen on his cell phone. The area that was visible by the light showed several large monitor screens and deactivated computers. Cobwebs and vines joined in a biomechanical ensemble which gave the feel of being transported hundreds of years into the future.
“Kathy, you need to see this.”
She grabbed her phone and serveyed the same area as AJ. “This is amazing. I don’t even recognize those models.” Kathy aproached the gigantic towers and screens, adoring the discovery as if she had found lost treasure. “These are definitley more advanced than what I’ve toyed with before.”
“What do you mean? It looks like it’s been here for decades honey.”
Kathy swipped the dust from the top of the tower and searched for a power button. “These are definitely new. Odd.” The search ended when a small circle was pressed in, initiating the whirring sound of a fan. Suddenly lines of white light traveled from the tower to the middle of the floor where it spread throughout the rest of the room and reaching the other towers. The screens displayed an eerie “hello” and showed windows of active cameras that were placed around the city.
“What the hell did we do?” AJ said slightly nervous.
“I don’t know, but whoever this person was liked to watch you sleep.”
AJ ran up to the screen Kathy stared at in awe. His bed with the blue sheets in disarray matched the current state he last remembered it to be in. “This is real time. I’ve been spied on.”
“But for how long? And why you?”
AJ and Kathy couldn’t seem to wrap their heads around the newly unearthed concept that the privacy of their lives had been compromised. They discussed an authoritative to tell police, but Kathy’s curiosity kept the investigation alive.
“We shouldn’t tell anyone untill we know what we’re up against.”
“What if it’s too much for us to handle. We could end up in danger and I don’t want that for you.”
“Come on, we’ve been so wasted our brains have a dependency on beer. This couldn’t be nearly as dangerous.” Kathy said as she picked up a note from the desk. It read,

To whom ever finds this room again;
I have recorded vital information that will lead the rebellion back to the Citidel.
The Interweb Reformery will never be the same and the world as we know it is in danger.
Everyone could die. I feel my end coming the longer I present the evidence that this world is more fantasy than reality. 
A fabrication. But we need this, to restore the world to it’s old soil is necessary for the longevity of mandkind.
Please. Save us.

AJ and Kathy stared at the note in horror and shock. She lowered the small peice of paper and dropped it back onto the dust ridden table. “Open mouth. Insert foot.”

The Perfect Job for a Caveman is…

A writer.

Caveman comic *Google images

And that’s the problem; I’m no troglodyte. Instead I work a lot, trying to take care of myself and Mr. Fluffy (My imaginary cat friend who only exists in the very depths of my lonely soul). Rent is high (Too damn high!) and it seems like selling my liver might be the only aperture into middle class comfort. My schedule is horrendous, limiting the amount I write, maintaining this dilapidated blog, play TOR (In which I have become homesick after leaving Coruscant), and to socialize in my niche of half-baked friends.

11 am– I get up and “dress for success”.
12-1 pm– My usual biking adventure through 107 degree weather.
2 pm– Work
3 pm– Work
4 pm– Work
5 pm– Work
6 pm– Lunch!
6:30 pm– Back to work
7 pm– Work
8 pm– Work
9 pm– Work
10 pm– Work
10:30 pm– When the heavens sing and I make my way back to my rest chamber.
11 pm– I get a shower while responding back to the flooding of late texts
12 am – 3 am– After procuring a case of writers block, I stare at a blank page of nothingness, falling asleep to await the rinse-and-repeat process of the next day.

Perhaps a few nights of self-induced insomnia could allow me to finish the book that I am writing in the alloted time my procrastination is off shift.

The Rise of the Titans will surely be published soon…only delayed for another eight years hopefully.

Things You Will Never Hear Me Say

I’m a pretty outgoing person and I enjoy the adventure life becomes; hell, I’d streak in the snow for a Klondike, but regardless of my spontaneousness there are some things that will never escape from my pie-hole.

“What a pretty cobra; lets pet it!”

“I don’t mind if my food takes another thirty minutes.”

“Sarah Jessica Parker is so hot.”

“I’ll try the cow tongue.”

“Time to go on a diet.”

“Bungie jumping is great!”

“Spy Kids was an awesome movie?”

“You’re going to the Justin Beiber concert too?”

“I’m in love with Twilight/Twilight rocks!”

“What’s a heat-sink?”

“Playstation FTW!”

“I loved school.”

“ET is so adorable.”

“Can I get extra mushrooms?”

“My card declined? No biggie.”

“That was totally tubular.”

“Radical man!”

“Nicky Minaj is my hero.”

“Who’s J.J. Abrams?”

“My writing is awesome.”

“Electric fence? Good place to pee.”

“I’m going to look down the barrel.”

“Gurochan has some cool stuff.”

“Not pizza again…”

“Halo is for losers.”

“Kissing? Ewwwwwwww.”

The Insanity of Insanity

I am usually one who would rather prefer to sit at home cuddling up with a significant other while watching a good movie. Working out or exercise is something I havent done since the 7th grade, training on the grass covered gridiron, but after years of only biking frequently a few friends and I have decided to try the workout program known infamously as Insanity.

The order from Amazon was only the start to what we were to endure. The process not only required a large space for the exercises, but a whole fridge makeover. A certain diet to follow is what was suggested for the best results, forcing me to buy healthy stuff. Like fruits. And salad.

I knew from that on that I would have to sacrifice the sweet taste of soda and candy for the duration of the two months it would take to finish the Insanity program. 3 days later the DVD’s arrived and it was time to begin the extraneous activity. The four of us were ready to take it by the horns, participating in the fitness test as a warm up.

…That’s when we knew that the title lived up to it’s infamy.

We broke down in front of each other (not to mention girls too) and felt like our calves had exploded, our stomach churned with protein shakes ready to blow like Krakatoa, blood swelled in our pulsating brains, and sweat could be collected to fill a kiddy pool.

And we were only 13 minutes in.

For the first day update I have to say that it is not for the faint of heart. The first week will be spent redoing the fitness test till the immunity has built up to the point where we can start the actual exercises. May the force be with us all…

50th Post!

50 looks like a small number in the blogging world, especially those who write daily and have the audacity to post whatever it may be that was keyed onto the screen, terrible or not. For me however I post whenever I am inspired or excited (which as you can tell only happens 10% of the time each month). To reflect on the noble history of Better With a Pen, lets take a look into the past in memorium of the forgotten posts.

  1. New Beginnings– The first ever post I dared to post.
  2. Hypocricy at it’s Finest– When I figured I should just write for the hell of it.
  3. The Shoe to Fill– The best post of the entire history of the blog: 2,532 views.
  4. May Cause Belief in Humanity to Melt Away– The woes of a Tech support agent.
  5. Time for Virtual Party Hats– The first party.
  6. A Nerd and His Bike– Me, making the world aware that I do not have a licence.
  7. Just Another Maniacal “Moon” Day– How I hate Mondays and the entity who enjoys making us miserable.
  8. Steamship Billy– My first ever short-story that I successfully completed.
  9. My Tin Receptacle Agenda– Not your average bucket list.
  10. I Watched: The Avengers– I couldn’t mis the chance to write about the biggest movie of 2012.
  11. How to Pick Your Nose in Public– Tips for those who hate to wait.

I remember when I first wrote my first post, holding onto the assumption that it would take the same form as my last blog, but the first like changed my view entirely. Out of all of the posts, which one is your favorite?

Leave your responses in the comment section below. *In Ray William Johnson voice*

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