Archive for the ‘ My Heteromorphic Life ’ Category

When You Don’t Know What To Write…This Is What It Looks Like

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Indeed

Things You Should Never Do In A Foreign Country (Or Oregon)

Preparing for an out-of-state trip has my insides fluttering in excitement…and fear. A large percentage of the fear originates from the doubt of my survival in unknown territory (I’ve seen Taken folks.), but I happen to be wearing my big boy pants.  Before I begin my conceded self-proclamation of awesomeness, I’ve decided that I should prepare myself for the experience that lies ahead, including what I say, wear, and act around an alien culture.
So for those who are ready to travel around the world, I implore you to study this handy guide that will not only help preserve your mortality, but make the trip the most memorable to remember.

  1. The first and last experience of your trip will be the airport engagement. Baggage check and ticket verification will be the more important events that will take place, among those will also be the threat detection and prevention. We have all been through this, a person clad in authoritative uniform waves a magic stick around your body and you have no choice to follow through and remove each and every metal object. (Keep in mind, some airports revert to extreme measures and may require you to remove zippers, buttons, and pins which may not come off of said clothing. You get the rest.)
    Another thing is the baggage check where you have the chance to leave behind certain items one could have a hard time living without. (Hairdryer, straightening iron, hair spray …don’t shake your head…) Officers may come across as hostile upon discovering these items at first, but don’t fret; don’t speak of any bomb or say “It’s not like im a genocidal terrorist here!”, that may just ruin your vacation before you can even set foot on the plane.
  2. Next in the schedule is the plane ride. After watching multiple movies spectating in-air disasters, it might become uncomfortable after a short while, regardless of the previous times you’ve sat in a jumbo jet because somewhere in the depths of your brain, a voice will be chanting “You’re going to die, you’re going to die…“. The moment is crucial for the duration of the ride that you retain composure and not panic, even if a gentleman with a full beard wearing a turban across the row is looking at the cabin more attentively than usual. Do not jump to conclusions and yell the “T”-word when in reality he was only waiting to expel the contents of his bladder.
  3. Third in line is the hotel/motel/straw hut check-in. In foreign countries where English is as unspoken as Patwin, it may be harder to get directions to the temporary place of residency that seemed to disappear off the face of your map. To encounter a local and attempt to ask where you are forces you to mimic their language, in which you may be seen as a complete idiot or retard (or whatever insult best describes the situation). For prevention always take time to learn the basics of the language where you will be traveling in, even if it means investing in Rosetta Stone…or the strange neighbor you’ve neglected to interact with.
    Also, be extremely cautious when telling others where you’re going, they could very well be pirates or disgruntled employees who are desperate for your out-of-country riches.
  4. Sightseeing can be fun. Sightseeing can be dangerous. Who would want to face the latter? Not me, therefore when trekking to see the rare sites make sure they are legally accessible. Spending the night at a Écouter is not the most scrapbook worthy moment, so don’t try to break into sites with chains, barbwire, electrically charged fences, trap doors, scorpions, or men in fuzzy black hats that are preventing further entry. Also don’t forget that some sites can also be owned privately. Theres nothing more embarrassing than being caught taking a photo of an ancient shrine that is actually someone’s front lawn ornament.
  5. Last, but certainly not least is the food. For the love of Heimdall and the rainbow bridge, DO NOT REJECT FOOD EXTERNALLY OR INTERNALLY IN A DISTASTEFUL MANNER. In multiple cultures the kitchen can be a sanctum and the meals prepared there are close to divine. Always remember that if you do not like something, display a cheerful smile, carefully turn to hide from direct eye contact, and dispel the substance from the mouth without a groan, choke, or gag then continue to thank the cook and bestow blessings upon their children.

These might just have changed not only your travels, but changed the history of tourism itself. Keep these in a handy little note tucked firmly between the fold of a wallet, or even tattooed on your arm for easy access; regardless of how you remember them, always take the fate of your trip with a grain of salt. Things will happen unexpectedly even with extreme preparation and planning.
Who knows, you might just see yourself in one of those airplane disaster movies…

The Perfect Job for a Caveman is…

A writer.

Caveman comic *Google images

And that’s the problem; I’m no troglodyte. Instead I work a lot, trying to take care of myself and Mr. Fluffy (My imaginary cat friend who only exists in the very depths of my lonely soul). Rent is high (Too damn high!) and it seems like selling my liver might be the only aperture into middle class comfort. My schedule is horrendous, limiting the amount I write, maintaining this dilapidated blog, play TOR (In which I have become homesick after leaving Coruscant), and to socialize in my niche of half-baked friends.

11 am– I get up and “dress for success”.
12-1 pm– My usual biking adventure through 107 degree weather.
2 pm– Work
3 pm– Work
4 pm– Work
5 pm– Work
6 pm– Lunch!
6:30 pm– Back to work
7 pm– Work
8 pm– Work
9 pm– Work
10 pm– Work
10:30 pm– When the heavens sing and I make my way back to my rest chamber.
11 pm– I get a shower while responding back to the flooding of late texts
12 am – 3 am– After procuring a case of writers block, I stare at a blank page of nothingness, falling asleep to await the rinse-and-repeat process of the next day.

Perhaps a few nights of self-induced insomnia could allow me to finish the book that I am writing in the alloted time my procrastination is off shift.

The Rise of the Titans will surely be published soon…only delayed for another eight years hopefully.

Things You Will Never Hear Me Say

I’m a pretty outgoing person and I enjoy the adventure life becomes; hell, I’d streak in the snow for a Klondike, but regardless of my spontaneousness there are some things that will never escape from my pie-hole.

“What a pretty cobra; lets pet it!”

“I don’t mind if my food takes another thirty minutes.”

“Sarah Jessica Parker is so hot.”

“I’ll try the cow tongue.”

“Time to go on a diet.”

“Bungie jumping is great!”

“Spy Kids was an awesome movie?”

“You’re going to the Justin Beiber concert too?”

“I’m in love with Twilight/Twilight rocks!”

“What’s a heat-sink?”

“Playstation FTW!”

“I loved school.”

“ET is so adorable.”

“Can I get extra mushrooms?”

“My card declined? No biggie.”

“That was totally tubular.”

“Radical man!”

“Nicky Minaj is my hero.”

“Who’s J.J. Abrams?”

“My writing is awesome.”

“Electric fence? Good place to pee.”

“I’m going to look down the barrel.”

“Gurochan has some cool stuff.”

“Not pizza again…”

“Halo is for losers.”

“Kissing? Ewwwwwwww.”

The Insanity of Insanity

I am usually one who would rather prefer to sit at home cuddling up with a significant other while watching a good movie. Working out or exercise is something I havent done since the 7th grade, training on the grass covered gridiron, but after years of only biking frequently a few friends and I have decided to try the workout program known infamously as Insanity.

The order from Amazon was only the start to what we were to endure. The process not only required a large space for the exercises, but a whole fridge makeover. A certain diet to follow is what was suggested for the best results, forcing me to buy healthy stuff. Like fruits. And salad.

I knew from that on that I would have to sacrifice the sweet taste of soda and candy for the duration of the two months it would take to finish the Insanity program. 3 days later the DVD’s arrived and it was time to begin the extraneous activity. The four of us were ready to take it by the horns, participating in the fitness test as a warm up.

…That’s when we knew that the title lived up to it’s infamy.

We broke down in front of each other (not to mention girls too) and felt like our calves had exploded, our stomach churned with protein shakes ready to blow like Krakatoa, blood swelled in our pulsating brains, and sweat could be collected to fill a kiddy pool.

And we were only 13 minutes in.

For the first day update I have to say that it is not for the faint of heart. The first week will be spent redoing the fitness test till the immunity has built up to the point where we can start the actual exercises. May the force be with us all…