How to Pick Your Nose in Public

Nose Picker

You wake up in the morning from a comfortable night’s rest and after a yawn your nose starts to itch. You take one of your digits and shove it in the nasal cavity without second thought, retract it back, and flick the green substance in the air like a tiny cannonball.

We pick our noses (defined by “the insertion of a finger (or other object) into the nose with the intention of removing dried nasal secretions” from our good friend Wikipedia), it’s only a natural habit that was adopted at birth and largely taboo. As much as we hate to admit it we do it whenever and wherever we find the need to, regardless of how gross, disgusting, or pleasantly entertaining it is. Due to harsh criticism by pompous aristocrats, society frowns upon the infamous activity, restricting us from acquiring clean nostrils in public.

So how can we successfully pick our schnoz in around others without compromising our reputations?
There are many ways and among them are:

  • The Sleeper– You fake a few eye drifters and adjust yourself in a more comfortable position. Moments later you lay your head down on top of your arms and slide one of your hands underneath, giving you a discrete, effective way of extracting the dried mucus.
  • The Ninja– You’re touring your favorite department store and all of a sudden your sniffer begins to twitch. People are more present than 12-o’-clock at McDonald’s and the goal is mandatory; without hesitation you walk to the clothing department and cautiously slip into one of the racks, where everything can be achieved in one go. Beware of cameras.
  • The Chronic Cougher– Better practiced with a hoodie or jacket, when duty calls begin with a quiet little cough, followed by a more profound hack with a few chest beatings. Then start the heavy coughing and hide your head behind jacket/hoodie, continuing the cough while loosening the abominable boogers.
  • The Cover-Upper- Hospitals or doctor offices are as busy as subways most of the time and nose-picking witnesses with a possible staph infection are prone to puking, initiating a chain reaction of undigested lunches being spilled. Prevent this by taking a magazine, immersing yourself in its pages, and tickling your olfactory nerves judiciously.
  •  The Rocketeer- This technique has an increased chance of nosebleeds (therefore definitely not recommended for those who have long fingernails) which involves attentively scanning the area for individuals looking in your immediate direction–when the coast is clear–quickly shove your finger or thumb up your nose, perform a twisting scoop, then remove it and drive it into your pocket before they anyone could blink.
  • The Aristocrat- The most uncommon of ways involve expending patience as you wait for the opportunity to enter a private room and use a tissue to blow the slime out without sacrificing the cleanliness of your hand. Something to consider if you plan on shaking hands.

Weither you flick-it or wipe-it, these techniques will save lots of blushing, ridicule, disgusted looks, eyebrow raises, and shame. As a relation to the content of this post, remember…

“You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose”.

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  1. July 2nd, 2012

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