Forever (Ab)alone

There’s one thing that I never really talk about in any kind of blog post or even in my journals and that would have to be complicated nature of my so called “love life”. I admit it may have to do with the (somewhat depressing) fact that I have never had a girlfriend or some other underlying reason. So why have I decided to speak on the matter all of a sudden–and in all places here? I’ve been reading others blogs about dating and how-to’s on the laws of attraction, it made me reminisce (that may not be the proper word) about my past failures and embarrassments, so I figured I should emerge from my shell and mysterious demeanor to shed some light on my history.

    • First Love- This has been something I have always regretted speaking about, but here goes nothing. I was in Oklahoma City where I was attending school, enjoying my first grade year. I can’t remember exactly when I met her, but all I do remember was the fact that I had the greatest crush from the very beginning. Many times would pass where I would talk to her on the playground in the attempt to…*clears throat* ask her out. AT AGE 6! I was so steadfast on wanting to be with the girl I would give her flowers I picked up from around the jungle gym close to every chance I was available to. (I have details–scary, I know.) That also brings me to another personage I remember fondly, the name I called her by was “The Dead Bunny”, given of the fact her two front teeth at the time believed could easily double as a ping-pong paddle. She would try to trump my efforts in winning her over by kicking me off of the swings or throwing sand at me, and if I ever met her again I imagine how sweet revenge would taste. (Like sand perhaps? *evil laugh*)
      In added weirdness I will never forget my first crush’s name: Lauren Walker. (If you happen to be out there or somehow reading this post, I apologize for freaking you out.)
    • Second Love– Once again in Oklahoma, but this time in a small town named Thomas is where I met another girl through the means of high adrenaline and head smashing. Football.
      I was a Defensive End, a spot reserved for the smallest, but fastest players in the formation and after seeing my “game” (*wink*) she asked my step-mother if I was coming to the dance that night. Enthusiastic, I met her immediately and learned that she was a cheerleader. At that point on and through the upcoming years I applauded my efforts to have a cheerleader with the belief that I was attractive, however the spark soon faded and disappeared without a trace of it’s origin. It was all due to my clueless experience with girls and the lack of knowledge required to manage any kind of a romantic relationship. I was 14 at the time and to this day I have no idea what I was doing, my feelings for her remained through 7th and 8th grade until it was time to say bye and move on to the next location. (My family moved a lot.)
      I still remember her name, but out of respect I’ll leave that out.
    • Third Love- By around this time I have lost hope and figure that if I stop moving then I would think (and plan and read and research and….) about having a serious relationship with a girl. I was sixteen and ready for my Sophomore year at Forsyth High School in Missouri. In high school if you had a girlfriend you were awesome, you were popular in someway or another and I wanted that (or so it seemed). It began in Spanish class and I happened to land a spot a few spaces from a girl named Gabby. I didn’t think much about it so I continued through school being that wall flower of a fellow, but as the days when on I started paying more attention to her and I realized that I might be getting myself into something. Farther in the year I was getting recognition for my silent, mysterious behavior and that got people talking and when the news reached Gabby she too was all too curious. We talked–not as much as I would liked to (okay, loved to) but we talked nonetheless. As my popularity grew new nicknames emerged for easy identification and before I could blink everyone knew me as Mclovin’–yes, that Mclovin’. Gabby on the other hand had other plans, continuing to call me “Antonio”; by then I was so whipped I daydreamed about her for months, even after the period of my next move…
    • Fourth Love– After moving back to Oklahoma then coming back to Missouri is when it seems that I can safely deploy my landing gear, finding a comfy residence in the city of Joplin. I suffer through many fights and hours of contemplation to convince myself to join the LDS church again (in which I will not disclose the reason of my original departure), the decision to do so presented itself in an awkward time and I was to join a group of members close to around my age to sing to homeless people. I think nothing much about it as usual, in procrastination I am firm to the belief that every girl in the group would see me as a loser and avoid me at all costs. We sing a few songs and the leader of the activity announces that a solo would be preformed, my heart skips a beat as the girl in question walks out from behind me and proceeds to begin “Silent Night”.
      As many men would testify once you begin forming a crush with a particular person you start sweating, your tongue goes numb, and your eyesight gets cloudy.
      Before the night ends we meet back up at the church building and I take my chance to become acquainted with her, complementing on her solo saying “You did good-the singing.” She smiled with a thanks and I leave the building with the immediate plans to bash my head against the wall. My sister–the lovely sibling she is–tells me that shes taken. Months pass and I imagine what it would be like to be with her, around this time I was extremely infatuated and her name appears everywhere I turn my head, wishing that I could have my chance.
      As if a genie was hiding around the corner the next Sunday that came she approached me and agreed that we should hang out. I couldn’t believe what had happened and after exchanging numbers, texting back and forth, and learning more about each other things led to her eventual break-up and I was on my way to my very first date, but after a few months she moved on and found someone else. I thought she was amazing and I still think that she is.

My “love life” has been a bumpy road and my proverbial tires are in need of a change. It may be my shyness or a lack of confidence that creates the outcomes I try to avoid; could it be from being too nice or not being the type of guy girls want? I tell many I would never cheat on a girl and would rather pluck my eyes out before doing so, because I imagine a broken heart to be as painful.

I don’t blame her for what happened one single bit and remain grateful to have that short time with her or any girl for that matter, but even after many rejections, disappointments, and drops into the Friend Zone I will not give up and continue to take every experience as a lesson. Hopefully I will one day meet the girl I am destined to marry–fingers crossed.

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